front row seat

i am too sentimental, i let my memories get tied to physical things, places, even weather

i was quite proud of myself today, i was very productive, but not by my own will.  Our washer has been having issues for the last year.  Sometimes it will actually spin during the spin cycle, but mostly it will just let the timer run, so you have to reset the timer and the second time it will spin.  I was pretty sure that the clothes probably weren't agitating so my husband and i went and bought a new one last week.  The company delivered it on Friday, my husband installed the new ones today and his dad took away the old ones to give to someone else.  My husband came in and asked me to clean the floor before he installed the new ones.  Nothing like having your in laws come over to make you clean your floors. 

I bought that washer and dryer in 2001, Jon helped my narcissistic boyfriend at the time install the set.  This was about a month before he ran up the bills, cheated on me, and left me for broke.  I had to pay for that dryer twice, once at the store and then had to pay him a second time when he left.  If there was ever any hate in my heart for someone, it is for him.  I don't think that anyone had ever broke me the way that he did, not even my ex husband.  It is comparative between 1st degree murder and manslaughter.  I really believe that the narcissist had premeditated our break up, he was just looking for someone to leave me for, which is fine.  I get that the relationship wasn't floating his boat, what i don't get is that we had gotten out of debt when we were living in the apartment.  He went and bought a truck that i foolishly put my name on, he put money back on my credit cards (another stupid move on my part), and we moved into a rental house.  If he was so miserable, why didn't he leave before i was back in debt again, trying to make him happy.  He was truly rearranging chairs on a ship that was sinking.  If he would have left while i was in the apartment, at least i would've have just been broken down and not broke to go on top of it.  I will NEVER understand why he felt that it was okay to hurt me the way that he did.  I was at least strong enough to not fall for his head games of "let's be friends...no one will ever know you the way that i do".  I thought, i saw the way that he spoke of and treated his wife, NO THANK YOU!!!  Wow, i was young and dumb.

I know in my head that forgiving is about not being held in bondage with someone else, but my heart just wants to be there to see the karma bus run him down.  I just cannot help myself.