Tuesday, January 1, 2013

happy new year to me

today was a good day, slept late (for me), took a nap and most importantly did not leave the house

My neighbors decided to set off fireworks last night, which totally freaked out the dogs.  Good thing i remembered to give Paisely her meds earlier in the evening.  One time, i am going to find out which of my neighbors feel the need to wake me up at midnight with their overly dramatic fireworks display and when i wake up in the morning, obsessively ring their doorbell, so i can wish them a happy new year. 

I have spent my entire life being codependent.  I finally figured out that means letting other people and their moods control you and your life.  I know why i am this way.  Growing up with a man who suffered from depression, anger, paranoia, and his ability to shift between any of those moods suddenly is extremely difficult for a child to live with.  I remember feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and the responsibility to ensure that there would be nothing in his world that would trigger any of these negative emotions.  This is probably why i ended up in so many abusive relationships, it was common place for me to be with someone so emotionally extreme. 

I recall being the object of his anger. I can almost recite the script, it usually started out with me being too big for my britches, pulling my head out of my ass, the world not revolving around me and ended with i needed to plug my head in.  I wasn't really sure what plugging my head in meant, i thought it was a reference to an electrical outlet.  This is where i get my anxiety of waiting for the other shoe to drop, because i most often received this speech to take me down a notch.  This is why i am too scared to be happy. 

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