I read an article in the paper the other day about a couple that was pulled over because their toddler wasn't restrained in a car seat. In the car they found two pipes, synthetic marijuana, oh and a baby in the back. I cannot help but ask myself why these people are allowed to reproduce and my husband will never have the chance.
I had lots of issues in my twenties, using abortion as a type of birth control. I made a deal with God, to take away my ability to have children so that i would never get pregnant again. This is not something i am very proud of and now that i am in my forties, i wished i would have been a better person while i was in my twenties.
I have been asked why Matt and I don't see a specialist. I feel as though i was selfish and irresponsible with my life, my body, and my future when i was young, therefore forfeiting my chance of a child. I have always thought that if it were God's will for Matt and I to have a child then we would have. Who am I to question God's plan.
People also don't understand why Matt and I stay together, since i will never know him the way other women have. Please, don't get me wrong, there are times that i mourn what Matt and I will never have, but there are times that i sincerely believe that God knew what he was doing when he brought Matt into my life. I was raped twice by my ex husband and unfortunately that has created issues with me and intimacy. I spent years only being able to have sex when i was drunk, numbing myself so that i wouldn't freeze, wouldn't feel claustrophobic.
I was in a dead end relationship with a guy who was psycho, feeling as if every day that i stayed that i was losing a little more of my soul. I had always felt an attraction for a colleague of mine, we had flirted often, and had spent alone time together once but nothing ever happened. I was having a really hard time professionally and he offered to come down one afternoon to take some weight off my shoulders. We had spent a lot of time talking at lunch and he offered to take me to a hotel. What??? Have sex while completely sober, that was absurd. So i turned him down. I spent a week realizing that was exactly what i wanted to do, so i called him and we met...at a hotel. I was so nervous. So nervous, that i had forgotten to bring protection. I wasn't on the pill, hadn't been in years, my psycho boyfriend was fixed, so i didn't have to worry about it. It felt good to finally feel something other than like i was dying inside. This affair lasted almost a year, he was married, and i knew that if i crossed that line with him, we would never have a future. If they will do it with you, then they will do it to you. I tell people that if you get involved with someone who is married then someone will end up crying and it will more than likely be you. Well, that is what happened, i got in too deep, desperately trying to grab onto anything to keep from drowning. I met Matt, he instantly took care of me and expected NOTHING in return. I had NEVER known anyone like that. Tulsa (that is what i called my affair) called me one day after a meeting and wanted to meet. I told him that it was time that i grew up, that i couldn't always have what i wanted when i wanted it, and that Matt deserved better behavior from me than that. I could tell he was sad, but he understood.
I really wished i would have always been as strong as i was that day....it feels good to not play the victim.
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