I was told the other day that i was very strong for having a blog. This person told me they were proud of me and that they would never be able to do this. It isnt as if i even use my real name or post it on my fb page (i am not that brave yet). I dont think that you can control when and where you have an epiphany, which is what therapy is to me. I like the ability to be able to sit down at the end of the day and put out into the universe whatever issue or struggle i am having at whatever particular time i want, besides it is free.
Perception is reality, my favorite quote other than the definition of insantiy.....
Well what people perceive of my life isnt reality. Over four years ago i was living with someone who was crazy and i was sure that if i told him to leave that he would kill me. I met my husband, we started going to lunch, but i wouldnt let it go any further. I really believed that there was a window of opportunity in life to meet someone and i was probably going out with some pshychopath and missed out on the really great guy. Finally Matt gave me an ultimatium and i made my decision, which thankfully enough was presented to my soon to be ex as a weekend away. It is amazing how well they get the hint when you turn off their phone and change the locks.
Let this be the lesson, be a jerk to someone long enough and they will eventually kick your ass to the curb.
I really wasnt looking for anything serious, i had a few people i wanted to date. Besides, i owned my own home, paid all of the bills, and really liked living alone. Matt was the first person that i ever went out with that took care of things. I didnt have to ask. I didnt have to leave him a note and remind him. It made life easier. Is this what a partner is all about.
I had spent the last decade in a relationship with crazy people that i didnt trust my own judgement about guys, so i drug him to meet every person in my life that really knew me (thankfully that would be just two, my bff and dad). Green light, we spent more and more time together. Matt had told me that he wouldnt have sex with someone until he knew it was the person he wanted to spend his life with (ahhh). How charming (eye roll now). We started dating in September. He promised me he wouldnt make me wait unitl the new year. We were engaged in December (my engagement ring) was my christmas present (picking out the ring, there is another story). Still, no bedroom time. I began to make this my personal challenge. He then told me that he thought it would be the right thing to do to wait until we were married.
Okay, i have my sex issues. I had spent the last 5 years with a guy that i had to be intoxicated to have sex with. Waiting until our wedding night, maybe this would help me with "sex is dirty" outlook.
This is where i take responsibility for this situation that i am now in. Matt moved in around thanksgiving, so i am thinking i should have had a permanent bruise on my back from being poked so much during the night, right???? Nope. We messed around and i never saw him hard.
I was so thankful to be with someone who had a job, was educated, came from a good (noncrazy) family, and was absolutely over the moon about me. I started the countdown to get laid.
Short story long, nothing, nada, not even a passionate kiss on my wedding night.
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