free fall

love is how the other person makes you feel

I think this is why people are so passionate about their animals.  My girls don't care if i haven't showered, brushed my teeth or hair.  They never ask me what is for dinner or complain.  They always look at me like i am the greatest person on the earth......which is why the quote "god, please make me the person my dog thinks i am" is so popular.

When i was younger i somehow thought being a tortured soul was cool, mysterious. 

My parents, supposedly, made a conscious decision to raise me to be independent. 

Unfortunately, i think that means feeling as if you are always in free fall.  Really being independent means only being dependent on yourself.

I always feel as though i am falling apart, on the verge of a meltdown, and in fear of losing it all.  When you spend so much of your life with people who are damaged, your emotions are always on a roller coaster.  I still have huge control issues.  Always wanting to never be caught off guard by the next big tragedy.  Always feeling as though i must fix something and that i am never good enough to fix it.  Pushing and pulling everyone in my life, i push you away and then change my mind and pull you back.  If you are lucky enough to find a happy medium in my life, it will be at arms length....it is just less exhausting that way.  You can not be close enough to hurt me, but close enough that i get pseudo intimacy, or perceived intimacy.  If you leave, then part of me will be thankful that the dance is over, but fearful of the impulsive decisions i make....which will lead me to my next entanglement.  Then the dance will start again with a new partner.  I had someone tell me once when we broke up "face it, if you weren't with me, then you would be with someone else....if i weren't with you, then i would be with someone else".  I remind him of that every chance i get. 

 That brings me back to my tortured soul feeling. 

I finally went and saw my doctor about my inability to focus.  He wanted to know how long i had felt like this, in which i replied, "as long as i can remember".  He asked why i had never been diagnosed before?  I felt unnoticed growing up. I don't think that my parents ever were malicious to me as a child.  I just think that they did the best job they knew how with the tools that they were given.

This is why i never had children.  I know how selfish i am.  I don't like people being very dependent on me.  It suffocates me and makes me feel claustrophobic and i want to run.   My dad always wanted me to be a nurse.  Ugh, i hate dealing with sick people, they are so needy. 

Ironically enough, i have commitment issues.  It scared the crap out of me to buy my house.....a 30 year mortgage????  I will be sixty something when i pay off my house, another ugh. 

Yin and Yang.....a relationshipist with commitment issues.