Thursday, March 22, 2012

the bottom

This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breaking’
And I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream, "Are we having fun yet?"

this was my motto for the next year

I spent from August until February running, unable to stop.   I was so scared of what the pain would do when it caught up to me that i just ran, as far and as fast as i could.  Unaware of anyone in my path.  Unfortunately that was Jon.  I would run to him when i needed to feel something, when i needed to be safe, and when i needed someone who loved me exactly as i was.  I was drowning and to see the way that he looked at me, the way that i knew (but couldn't acknowledge) he felt about me was too overwhelming.  So, i did what i did best, ran some more.

I spent months crying daily in the shower, so that no one else would hear.  The stress made huge chunks of my hair fall out.  It is amazing how you are only able to focus on one thing at a time when you are consistently hung over. 

Finally about February, i felt strong enough to stop running and to start to heal. 

Unfortunately, Jon and I had little contact.  I cant say that i blame him, there are only so many times that you can be walked on or watch someone you love self destruct. 

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