Wednesday, March 7, 2012

catch 22

this is one of my best and worst traits, i will give someone a million chances

When i am done, i am done.  Probably one of my biggest disappointments is wanting more for people than they want for themselves.  I always think that someone, somewhere gave me a chance, so i really try to give my people a chance.  I usually end up disappointed but feel as though i have done the right thing.  Lately, i stopped being disappointed, but not is a cynical type of way.  I think i have just gotten better at seeing the writing on the wall.  I have learned to detach sooner, use boundaries better, and as my day would say "not get terribly concerned about the outcome". 

I have been having more honest discussions with people lately.  I had someone who had been taking advantage of me and when this person left my employment i told them that i wished them well and hoped they find what it is they are looking for.  In the past this would have eaten me alive, i would have gone back and examined the relationship to pinpoint the exact point that things went wrong and what responsibility that i had in the situation.  I would have wished only bad things to happen to this person and i would have doubted the karma credit program when something good happened to them.....now i just dont really think of them. 

This is the problem now.  I take so much, then i will write off people without a second thought.  I have spent too much of my life in toxic relationships with people who sucked the life out of me.  I have committed myself to a relationship that i feel started out in deceit.  I spent a year of this relationship being someones doormat where i bent over backwards being the people pleaser, trying to anticipate the needs and wants of someone else.  I would beat myself up when i wasn't proactive enough.  I felt as if i was a burden and a nuisance (flashback to my childhood).  Unfortunately, it took someone elses attention to make me realize that i am worthy and shouldn't feel so unwanted.  I told this person i was done, they of course promised the moon, i told them that once i am done, i am done.  I hate failure.  I don't do it well, so i am now stuck in a relationship with someone who tries to anticipate my needs and wants and i use them as a door mat. 

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