fight or flight

what is worse, the lies we tell others or the lies we tell ourselves

I had a colleague tell me the other day that someone was "talking out both sides of their mouth".

when I had first start dating the narcissist, his ex wife (actually they were still legally married) tried to tell me that she thought that in his mind the stories he told were real.  I wasn't sure what her agenda was so I didn't spend much time thinking about what she said.  I should have been more concerned about the narcissist's agenda. 

I do not like when I have to play detective analyzing which of the two conflicting statements are true.  Either that or I will just write you off as bipolar and think that both of the statements were true at the time that you said them. 

I have spent so much of my personal life being fat, dumb, and happy.  either because I chose to be that way or because someone chose for me to live that way.  I think that my expectations of a relationship are unrealistic and obviously I haven't been given the tools that I need to navigate through one successfully. 

I have expected my personal life to fix me.  I am now working on fixing myself.  someone once said, you can have it all, you just cant have it at the same time.  I fear this is my reality. 

my therapist made me promise that I would not make any big decisions for a year, but I so want to sell what I can, pack up and go somewhere else.  I know this isn't logical and no one wants to buy the baggage I so desperately want to get rid of. 

there was a fish that was having issues the other day, someone pulled it out of the water and looked at it, then put it back.  I asked what that was all about, they stated that the fish's fight for life would give it the power to heal itself, to make it want to live, to make it better. 

most days if today were my last day, I do not think it would bother me, someone needs to pull me from the water and engage my fight for life.