new mantra

I called my sister tonight and she was the "asap call". 

I feel so broken and as if I might lose it all any minute, but my sister thinks that I am so put together because I have a house, a car, a husband, a job, and she happened to catch me on the one night in who knows how long that I actually cooked dinner. 

My sister told me about how sad she has been feeling and I just listened, it is all that I can do.  I don't even know how to navigate my way out of my sadness, so I have no advice to give. 

I know that I am suppose to be kinder and gentler to myself about my past and my mistakes.  I haven't done much soul searching these days, too busy last week.  My mantra was "suck it up buttercup".  I did get so overwhelmed one day that I just cried during my lunch hour again. 

oh well, I get to see my psychiatrist tomorrow and my husband thinks that I should tell him that my meds aren't working.  The only drug that I know of that is going to allow you to feel blissful all day is heroine and I don't think my doctor is going to give me a prescription for that.