the story we tell ourselves

what is the story that you tell yourself

I have heard this at least three times in the last 24 hours.  I am trying to fill this hole in myself with things other than food, shopping, or with other people's loves. 

The story that I tell myself is that I am not good enough.  I don't love myself.  I must do things for other people to accept me and love me.  Which is why I continue to do things that punish myself, I really think that I deserve to be sad.  It is what I am used to.  I feel that I am done with being the victim, so I don't sit around and say "why me?".  I own my miserableness (if that is even a word).  I don't look at my past as something that just happened to me, I was a willing participant. 

The problem is that I don't know how to be good enough to love myself.  I know how to check out.  I know how to stand still and be okay being me and that is good enough.  I don't know how to stop self mutilating myself with bad behavior.  I am conscious of it while I am doing it, I just don't love myself enough to make better decisions.  I have switched from spending to food, but I am scared to death that I will fall off that wagon at any moment. 

I feel like an addict and in some ways I am.  Addicts use so they don't have to feel anymore.  I stuff all of these feeling down so that I don't have to feel them anymore.  A celeb went to rehab, not for drugs, but to check out and have an intense therapy session for six weeks.  Too bad I don't have a couple of grand to do that.

I watched rick warren and he classified people lives into three categories, survival, success, and significance.  I had to google the last two, because all I remembered was that I was the first, survival. You live your life just to survive from day to day, surviving for the weekend.  I get up in the morning and I am happy when lunch gets here because I know that I have just a few more hours and my day is done.  I can go home and hide out.