the fixer

had therapy on Monday and told my therapist about the issue with my sister.  I am a fixer, that is what makes me so good at my job.  I drove to therapy trying to find a way to fix the situation with my sister, call intervention, show has been cancelled.  Call Dr. Phil or Iyanla.....I don't really want my issues on television and I think they would have to block a hole entire week to devote to our family issues.  I am telling my therapist about the issue and she says "you cannot fix your sister".  I say yes, I know.  (this is why I love my therapist).  "You intellectually know this, but I don't think that you are internalizing what I am saying, and you are still trying to find a way to fix the situation."

 I told her about the Facebook post and how I wanted to call butch and go off on him.  She told me that I can do that, but it will not make me feel any better.  I want to do it, because it is something tangible that I can mark off my to do list.  No, I don't think Butch got up every morning and thought, "how can I fuck up my kids".  That is the problem, I don't think he thought about us at all.

I had too busy of a week last week.  I am going to have to take time to dig all of this garbage out my soul, look at it and lovingly accept it for what it is and forgive.  I must learn to forgive myself.  I told my therapist about the agreement that I made with God and that is why Matt and I don't have a family and she disagreed.  She believes in the same God that I do, he isn't a vengeful God. 

Ironically tonight's sermon was about forgiving yourself for things that God has already forgiven you for.  There are many things that I must forgive myself for and many things that I must stop taking responsibility for. 

I must continue with my boundaries and doing things that are in my best interest and that are inline with my purpose in the world.