therapy topic

a few months ago I was given one of those crosses that you carry in your pocket and there is a card that explains that every time you put your hand in your pocket you are suppose to think of and thank God.  My husband has had one and has carried it for YEARS.  I lost mine and found it right before we went on vacation.  I lost it the first day when I was trying on clothes.  I thought someone needed it worse than I did and sent good thoughts to the person who would find it (the way that trip went, I should have went back for it).  Today, I subconsciously reached to my necklace for my cross pendant and yep, it is gone.  The chain is still in tact, I once again figure someone obviously needs it worse than I do.  My sweet husband gave me the extra cross we received at church that night (any bets on how long before I lose this one).  My old superstitious self would have taken this as a sign and my anxiety level would be through the roof.  I had such a great session with my therapist today, that I am beyond it. 

I watched the second part of daddy less daughters last night.  I realized that not only was I daddy less once, but twice.  I had my birth father abandon me, then I had butch who was too busy with other things to make me a priority.  Your father is the first intimate (non sexual) relationship that you have with a man and model all relationships with there after.  Butch treated me more like a girlfriend than a daughter.  I can remember he would get up and walk around the house naked, that is not appropriate for a young girl to see.  He once told me that it was the woman's responsibility to make the man happy in bed.....why would you tell your daughter this?

I told my therapist about the reoccurring question that I had been hearing about "the story that you tell yourselves".  I tell myself that I am broken.  I told her that I needed a new mantra and a way to get all of this black, negative junk out from inside myself.  She smiled.  She told me that I needed to look at my past and not punish or berate myself for the choices that I made.  I needed to unconditionally, lovingly sympathize and empathize with myself. 

I told her of my past and the abortions that I had (it hadn't really dawned on me to tell her until now).....maybe I am unpacking all of my baggage and working through it.  I feel as though I had blew my chance to have a family so I didn't deserve to have one now.  Actually  there is more to that story which I told my husband at dinner.  I didn't tell one of the fathers what I had done.  I had made God a promise that if he wouldn't allow me to get pregnant again I would be okay with never having children.  This is the guilt that I carry and why I think that I hate myself so much. 

I suppose I have my next topic for therapy.