ugh, yesterday stunk. I was so exhausted, that all I wanted to do was go to sleep early but the locals decided to set off even more fireworks and bubba was even more upset. I was up and down until after 10pm and then my alarm went off at 5am for my morning meeting. I left early and told the guy that always wants to bum a ride for me that I didn't have time to take him to the VA. I know it wasn't a nice thing to do but I needed my "me" time this morning. I did read my bible for awhile, read my book about overcoming perfection and took a cat nap. I was in the worst mood today, they tried to send me home. I felt bad, my head has hurt for two days, I have had acid reflux so bad, that I had saltine crackers for lunch. my brother in law flew in today for the next two weeks. I think he is wanting to spend this time with his mother before her dementia turns into full blown Alzheimer's. we are suppose to go to Branson next week. my husband isn't very happy about having to spend what is left of his vacation time on this visit, but I told him that in a few years he will be happy that he did this while she can still remember.
I have been reading this book "confessions of a raging perfectionist (learning to be free)". she documents her daily journal like "bridget jones diary" but instead of cigarettes and cocktails, she counts her wrinkles, calorie content, bills paid, and bank account balances. it is a religious book with bible versus, but with laugh out loud moments where she speaks of Janice Dickinson and her quest to stay young and beautiful. she states that "beauty doesn't drift quietly into the night. it flees."
I think the older I have become the more vain that I have become. I never thought that anyone needed to put a bag over my head, but I never thought that I was gorgeous. I am more aware that I don't want to look 70 when I am 45. I think that was a motivator to quit smoking and drinking. I don't tan. I would love to have surgery to take the hereditary bags out from under my eyes that require me to spackle concealer on every day. if I were more concerned I would ensure that my body was in better shape, but for now I am just trying to love what I have and stop punishing myself for the stretch marks and the effects of gravity.
the author of the book speaks about her love of money. she has seen the best and worst of both worlds, her in laws have money and her parents declared bankruptcy. at times she has been angry with god. it seems that growing up poor makes her want more things to make her happy. I can relate to where she is coming from, but I made my amends with money (for now). my credit cards are paid off, I have enough money to eat, pay my bills, keep a roof over my head, and buy myself a little something every once in awhile. I am very proud that I have managed to put myself through school and acquire zero debt while doing it (so far).
we all know what my real vice is and that is food. I pray daily that god will heal my heart and help me find what I need so that I will stop feeling the need to stuff this hole inside me with food. we all have our addictions, our baggage that we carry, it just depends on how well we hide from the outside world.
I am the master, I have had years of practice.
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