the cycle

forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past will be any different

I think of the last year and how different things were at this time last year.  I was riding a roller coaster, I just didn't know it, and the bottom was about to drop out from under me.  This put me in a tail spin that I am still not sure that I have recovered from.  This has made me focus on myself and the issues that I have hidden for so long, trying to act like everything is okay.  You are only as sick as your secrets.  My secrets were that I never truly expressed how my childhood affected me.  I always had the attitude that everyone has a dysfunctional childhood, get over it. 

I listened to a man on NPR who was talking about trauma and how it is human nature to try and rationalize the trauma and why it happened.  When we do this we don't fully face the trauma and how it affected us and we never truly get over it.  I really think this is what I have done.  I don't think that my parents started out to neglect me or treat me bad with any kind of malice.  It just happened they were two broken people who were too wrapped up in their own issues to be able to put that aside and focus on me and my needs.  This is why I end up in dysfunctional relationships because the first guy who comes along and pays any kind of attention to me, I am just ate up, then I become disgruntled when the rate of attention declines (no one can keep up that kind of level).  I feel abandoned like I did when I was a child.  I don't leave the relationship, I just rationalize the other person's motives and hope that one day they will realize how special I am and apologize, giving me the apology that I never got from my parents. 

This is the reason why I stayed in my first marriage.  It was a sick cycle but the abusive relationship was what I thought I deserved.  It is like an addict that shoots up, you know the needle is going to hurt but then you will get the relief.  I would go through the abuse part of the cycle and have him tell me all of these bad things about me (I secretly believed) to get to the honeymoon cycle.  The honeymoon cycle is so good, it makes the abuse almost worth it, to have him tell me how much he loved me and he needed me.  Until you become emotionally drained and hearing "it wont happen again" just makes you want to throw up.