tomorrow is another day

"on my ninth day of silence, I went into meditation one evening...I remember thinking this is it gena, I said to my mind, this is your chance.  Show me everything that is causing you sorrow.  Let me see all of it  Don't hold anything back"

"one by one The thoughts and memories of sadness raised their hands, stood up to identify themselves.  I looked at each though, at each unit of sorry and I acknowledged its existence and felts its horrible pain.  and then I would tell that sorrow "it's OK, I love you. I accept you.

Then I would say, next? and the next bit of grief would surface.  I would regard, experience it, bless it, and invite it into my heart.  I did this with every sorrowful thought I'd ever had until nothing was left.

Then I said to my mind "show my your anger now."  One by one, my life's every incident of anger rose and made itself known,  Every injustice, betrayal, loss, rage.....I saw them all and one by one I acknowledged their existence.  I felt each piece of anger completely as if it were happening for the first time then I would say "come into my heart now.  You can rest there.  It is safe now it is over I love you.  This went on for hours and finally the anger entered my heart, laid itself down, curled up against its brothers and gave up fighting. 

Then came the most difficult part, "show me your shame".  I asked my mind. Dear God the horrors I saw then a pitiful parade of all my failings, lies, selfishness, jealousy, arrogance.  I then said show me your worst and when I tried to invite these units of shame into my heart they hesitated at the door saying "no-you don't"

this was the text that I had from my sister this morning after I called her last night to make sure she was okay.  butch left a message on my Facebook to call him "asap" I replied "nope, I just don't have it to give for anymore drama".  I know that sounds horrible, but his "here I come to save the day" crap really gets old with me and we all know that he doesn't posses the follow through to actually save anything. 

I then thought about calling him up and finding out what the new drama was, one of his children having issues.  I wanted to go off on him and tell him that he had three messed up children and that he should probably take responsibility.  My husband would tell me that I am a better person, but it would make me feel much better.  I didn't have the energy for it last night.  Maybe I will call him tomorrow.