today was a real low, I really thought that my year of depression was coming to an end and today I went to see my therapist and all I wanted to do was cry. I just don't understand how I can care so little about myself that I cant even take a single step to do the things that she has told me that will make me feel better. She said that it wasn't because I didn't care enough about myself, it is because the depression has sucked all of the energy out of me. She was so concerned that I must go back again tomorrow and see my doctor. I feel as though I am trying to move in quicksand, everything is such a struggle. Saturday I was so exhausted that I forgot to wear my glasses to work. I struggled with my homework yesterday, struggling with the same problem over and over again. It all made me doubt whether I was choosing the correct career path for myself.
She was impressed that I didn't let all of the mean comments on Facebook about me not get to me. At one point in time that would have eaten me alive. It did for a moment, then I really thought about those people's character and they don't have the type of character that is even in the same league as me to judge me.
She asked me about being in the drivers seat and if that was bothering me. I told her no that it really just made me angry that this person was still in my life, following my blog, sending me a Facebook message, calling me to tell me they were there then falling off the face of the earth. This isn't relationship ale carte', you don't get to pick which parts you want to participate in, it is all or nothing.
I am the people pleaser, always have been, it means more to me than anything else in the world. My boss called me and told me to get my payroll under control. I didn't make a single change. He sent me a nasty gram about it on Friday, and I just hit delete. This is totally not me, I am the model employee if you tell me to wear green socks on Thursday, I am asking what shade.
I almost didn't go to therapy today. I just wanted to stay in bed. Last night, it dawned on me at 8pm that I hadn't eaten anything but crap all day and I got up to make dinner.
I did call someone the b word today, well the f'ing b word. Which makes me realize that I am still have issues about being thrown under the bus by someone at my last employer. I don't know why I am letting it upset me so much, because I have done the same thing she has done.
I have said it before, you dislike the things in other people that you dislike the most in yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment