hurt

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3aF9AJm0RFc

this is the video of Johnny Cash singing a NIN song "hurt" not too long after his wife died.  It has to be one of the emotionally rawest songs I have ever heard and it will always be my favorite. 

I can identify with his pain on a different level.  I have never had someone really close to me die.  I have had grandparents, but I have never lost my best friend or a parent (not literally). 

"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel" that I get.  I know it is a reference to drugs but sometimes I wonder if I can feel anything other than sadness, irritation, and anger. 

"everyone I know goes away in the end" one way or another.  I either push them away, leave them, or they leave me (usually emotionally way before they do physically). 

today was not a good day, if you couldn't already tell

I sat down and asked my therapist, if this was it, is this all there is to life.  Excelling at work used to make me happy until I realized that success is "what have you done for me lately".  When I left my last job I was number one at almost everything.  I told my boss, that "in a year, no one will remember what we did here".  He replied that he had hoped people would remember. I am sure that they forgot the minute I walked out the door.  School used to make me happy, now I cant wait for it to be over. 

I go to work, I come home (go to class or church) depending on the day and I come home to crawl into bed.  Rinse and Repeat.  I know that I have no one to blame for my situation other than myself.  I need to stop putting the key to happiness in someone else's pocket. 

I sometimes wonder if it just in my genetics to be unhappy. You meet people all of the time that are happy, as if they have never had a bad day in their life.  I pointed out the receptionist at the office, even with crazy patients, she just laughs it off.  Then I said, she probably goes home and drinks a 12 pack. 

Sad part is, I am sure people think the same thing about me when I am at work.  I must play the part, put on the mask....because when you work with the public, no one cares if your life is crappy as long as you give them the service they deserve.