dear lord

so throughout my childhood therapy sessions and the blame that I have spent my life assigning, there is one person that I have left out.  One person who long ago I mourned the loss of our relationship and spent years blaming myself for not being enough to fight for.....my mother.

things got better around the time of my first marriage and she was supportive until she wasn't.....my ex and I had gone back and forth so many times that everyone was sick of it, my mother looked at me one day and said that I needed to go and make it work. It didn't and she was supportive to come and get me, bring me home until I got a job and moved to Tulsa...back in with my ex.  I had such a need to be punished that I could not let that relationship go, I didn't think that I deserved better and one day he would really change, proving that I was special...because I sure as heck didn't believe it. 

i think that in between the time that my mother had lung cancer and developed brain tumors that we probably had the best relationship that we would ever have.  I am glad that i had that time, but she has been radiated and cut on so much now that i don't even recognize her.  My dad called me today and said that the tumors are back, bigger, and may have even multiplied. She may have even had an aneurism. 

I had a long lunch with my dad last weekend and we spoke about her quality of life and his.  I always feared my mother, she could cut through my heart with a look, and he really thought that she had morphed into the person that she had always been without any of the pleasantries.  I always thought that he was lucky to see a side of her that most of us were never lucky enough to know. 

Dear lord, please forgive me, but her quality of life is horrible, please take her to be with you, her work here is done.  I know that i must heal my own wounds about our relationship and i have come to terms with the fact that we wont ever be close like some mother/daughter relationships.  I am fine with this, please let her go see her mother and be at peace for once in her life.