my mother has decided to go and see the doctor tomorrow. I offered to go but in the end it was decided that it might make the situation worse, so I will just try to stay busy at work. I don't know what I expect from tomorrow, a timeline for when this can all end. I cried tonight, I am not sure if it was for her or for me or just the situation. I mostly want some peace for my dad who has taken the brunt of her anger, who has cleaned her up after she has crapped all over herself. Has taken over the household chores, worked, and now refers to her calling him an asshole as a term of endearment. Maybe I cry because I want the end to be near, I want to remember her laugh and wicked sense of humor. I don't want to remember her as she is now, confused and unable to complete small tasks.
I think that I finally understand why people cut to relieve the pressure. It is as if it has all built up so much inside that there is no where else for the feelings to go.
I did get into the drivers seat today. I took a step to control my future instead of letting other people control it. If you want to have a conversation with me, it will have to be without the safety net of electronics, you will have to call. You will have to hear my voice, the hurt, and the disappointment of promises that weren't followed through. The anger that has been long overdue.
I feel that death is leering closely and my husband has been very lucky to live this many years with uncontrolled diabetes. He had another insulin reaction tonight and I was at class. It would have been hours before I would've arrived home to find him and this scares me. I am prepared to bury my mother, but I don't think that my depression can take losing my husband too.
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