in the drivers seat

I love that my therapist always calls me on my crap.  I was telling her about a situation that had happened over the weekend and she looks as me as says "why didn't you tell this person how angry you were".  Why, because I minimize my feelings to not hurt anyone else's.  She was asking if I was done with the situation and I was being non committal.  I would find it hard to trust this person because of the way I was treated before and that there were other factors that would make the situation not work and I know me, I would be too scared to commit.....blah, blah, blah. 

She looks at me and says "wouldn't it be nice to be the person in the drivers seat of your life".....what a unique thought.  I have always taken what people were giving.  It never occurred to me to ask for more. 

I realized how alone I had felt this past year.  Sunday I was watching Brene Brown and there was a lady that had her husband listen to one of her talks (it was 9 hours), she had been married for 23 years, she said they were on a road trip and they would stop the lecture and talk to each other like they never had in all of the years that they had been married.  Earlier in the day I had tried to get my other half to read something and he wouldn't for some reason.  Brene said that if your other half doesn't have 43 minutes to watch the life class, 10 minutes to watch a TED talk, or 2 minutes to read something then you need professional help.  I asked my other half to come in and listen to that part of the show.  He didn't get it, I said that is how I felt when you wouldn't read something that I had asked you to.  We had a long conversation that made me realize that he finally gets that I have abandonment issues.  I finally asked for what I needed and told him that I realize that I married butch and if he wasn't capable of giving me what I needed that I totally understood, but I was not willing to live the rest of my life like this.  I was giving him an out, he isn't built to be touchy feely and that is what I need to survive.  Time will tell.

Turn the page.  I always feel that actions speak louder than words.  Don't tell me that you are here for me then fall off the face of the earth for a week, that isn't my definition of being here for me....that is having your cake and eating it too.  Which my gut tells me is exactly what is happening.