I have made a career out of disappointing people.
I am not sure what kind of payoff i get by telling people i will do things and not following through, but i have spent a lifetime doing it. I have lost friends and credibility because of it.
I have always had a self defeating view on my life, setting myself up for failure. I am sure that has something to do with my low self esteem. I almost know the minute when i tell someone that i will do something that it wont happen. I read somewhere once that procrastination made people feel important to have to rush around at the last minute to complete projects, chores, etc. The only problem is lately, it only makes me feel anxiety. It is almost like when you go on a trip, i spend the first 30 minutes after i leave home trying to remember what it is i have forgotten to pack. The minutes before i go to sleep and the minutes after i wake up, i try to think of the things that i have forgotten to do or the people that i have disappointed. I cannot handle that anymore, so it motivates me to do what i say i will do, or at least be more realistic about not being everything to everybody.
That's a tough one. It has taken me years to learn not to commit myself if I'm not absolutely sure I can meet the commitment. I think taking care of Mike has shown me that things can change in a flash. What I hate is that I also find myself avoiding individuals I think need more from me than I can afford to give.
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