broken

I had my third therapy session today and I just broke down after these past two long weeks...

i wanted to curl up in bed and miss my session but the thought of continuing this hurt was more of a motivator than staying in bed, feeling bad. I thought that it would be good for my therapist to see what bad looked like.  She told me that my sadness was palpable.  i told her about my enormous weight gain and my desperate search for something to do that would make me feel good.  she told me that i needed to find something like yoga, meditation, or swimming to center myself. 

i am really not sure that i like myself, which would explain why i continue to do all of these self defeating behaviors.  the sad part is that i wouldn't have a clue what liking myself would look like. i want to get to the point that i don't feel the need to have other people validate me.  to be the overachiever to have people tell me that i have done a good job, to make me feel worthy. 

i am so tired of feeling broken.  i have spent my whole life waiting and wanting someone to make me feel whole, then i picked the most toxic people that made me only feel worse and broke me even more. 

i kill myself for this perfection thinking that it would make me feel just "good enough". 

i so wish that i could explain what broken feels like.  i have done so many awful things that most of the time i feel black inside.  i have spent so many years with this negative self talk in my head, telling myself horrible things.  i remember i would sit and cry before school, because i thought that i was so disgustingly fat.  i would be so angry with myself for allowing myself to have no self control, to allow my thighs to be so huge. 

i feel so hopeless at times that i wouldn't do anything to hurt myself, but if something was to happen i would be thankful to not feel the pain anymore.