yesterday i hobbled myself home from work and crawled into bed....i am so disappointed in myself, i am at 190lbs. what the heck did i let happen to myself. i feel as though i have wasted the last year of my life, falling into a depression that i am not sure that i have found my way out of, feeling a sadness that has hit me at the bottom of my soul.
people used to be amazed by my energy to get things done and now, i go to work and come home to crawl into bed. thank goodness i now actually sleep.
i am so thankful to my psychiatrist and that i have been correctly diagnosed, she has saved my life. the last couple of years i feel like a drug addict taking uppers to get the day going and downers to try to get some sleep to function.
fear keeping me from making decisions about my personal relationships that caused me heartache that i had to suffer in silence. i pinpoint my downward spiral to when i went to florida last year, was trapped in detroit, suffered a devastating blow that i was too naive to see coming, and spent the next two months sick. this all just spiraled into the depression of the last year and i could sit here and cry when i think about it.
reality is that my downward spiral started much earlier. maybe even three years ago, i left a company that i was incredibly proud to work for, feeling such betrayal from people that i had trusted. i went to work for a company that treated me well, but i am now distrustful of all people in business. i spent a few years not giving it my all, because i didn't have it to give and i wasn't going to end up in the same situation...i am probably still that way. business had never let me down, it was always there for me, the gratitude, the feeling of satisfaction when i gave it my all, then the people that had always given me my drug of choice (words of affirmation) turned their backs on me, i didn't know where to go to get my drug. i changed companies, half assed my new job, and found my drug in school, reveling in the As.....having to have them.
okay, then i decide to run for office. i am already running a store, going to school, and have the excitement of a person from my past being my new drug pusher. i am feeling passionate (something i haven't felt in a very long time), i am swept away and engulfed by the new feelings. needing to be rescued, but knowing this was not the situation that i would be rescued in, but it was my drug and i had to have it. i couldn't leave the security of my current situation for the uncertainty of a new one. i had made too many mistakes before, that i had spent years regretting. i knew that his intensity was declining, i was told as much, and i definitely couldn't leave for someone wasn't fully committed/immersed. you never want to be the one that loves more, that never ends well. i couldn't jump and have no one there to catch me, that had already happened before and i had become lost.
then i was dismissed by an email.
there became a time when i had to decide if the pride of running a good store or winning the election was more important. i had already committed to the store. this is probably a coup out. campaigning was more like being a door to door salesperson. the other team had a girl that used to work for me and she was all about character assignation, telling anyone who would listen what a bad manager i was. i wondered yesterday what i had done to her that was so bad that she felt the need to say such hateful things about me. heck, i had given her a job and i thought that i had treated her well. women will be women, ants in a bucket.
this is probably why i am so protective of my integrity and have no issue with confronting anyone who may question it.
during this time, my eating and spending was out of control. i finally paid off my credit card (with my bonus, waste) and now i am starting to control what i put in my mouth. i have started therapy (marriage and personal), so i am hoping this is a year of positive rebuilding. i am concerned about backsliding, i don't think that i have the strength to pull myself out of this hole again.
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