not feeling it

"Are you something else that I am going to have to survive? 

If you are, let me tell you, I am not up to it."

 

Erin Brockovich

 

i feel as if this sums up most every relationship that i have been in...

 

someone always loses something when a relationship ends, there is never an amicable split.  i don't think that i have ever walked away from a relationship with more than i had when i went into it, it would probably help if they had not all been dysfunctional. even if i was the leaver, i left with guilt.  i was always the leaver.  then i would start this game of back and forth, getting off on the drama.  until i had my first real love, the kind of love and passion that makes your heart want to burst and your eggs taste better in the morning.  too used to fickle ways, i changed my mind then when i wanted to change it back, he was already banging my "friend" and giving his class ring to someone else.  i probably still blame myself for making the wrong decision.  the true irony is that he cheated on that girl with her "best friend" and married her.  they had many visits from the police and thus started my long road of attraction to men who would only be mean to me.  i still don't understand the insanity of how i regret being fickle and losing my first love.  he wasn't going to be different with me.  i would have been stuck living in a trailer, working at the grocery store with his mother, and being stuck in the cycle of domestic violence.  i settled for the next best thing, my ex husband, he was my first love reincarnated. this would fall under the category, be careful what you wish for. 

 

i have given so much advice on how not to navigate relationships that the sound of my voice annoys me, it would be nice if i would take some of this sage advice.