chasing the high

"i chased and accepted a marriage that wasn't worthy of a date".....G.U.

wow, that i can relate to.  i have spent so much time with people who chose me and i felt as though i should be grateful. 

i go and see my therapist today, she wants to know about my high school days.  Nothing like reliving the 80's and how cool we all thought we were with our big hair.  i thought about taking a photo so she could get the real picture, but then i remembered she is my therapist not my bff. 

totally fell off the wagon sunday.  i had spent almost 2 weeks on my diet, obsessively counting every calorie, but hadn't seen the scale move in the way i needed it to.  so i said, f it and ate whatever i wanted.  it didn't make me feel happy, in fact it was as if i was trying to fill a black hole.  now i know how heroin addicts feel chasing their first high and never really reaching the euphoria they felt that first time. needless to say, i wasn't very hungry yesterday after eating probably two days worth of food in a single day.  now i really have to find something else that soothes me because it isn't food anymore, i cant smoke, and i definitely cannot hold my liquor.  i have been trying to spend time in the morning before the craziness of the day, reading my bible and that seems to help..... maybe this is the meditation that my therapist talks about. 

i know moderation in living is the key to happiness, but i have never been very good at moderation, it is always to one extreme or another.

i was reading someone else's blog last night and she was talking about work and how it was something to be labored at.  i thought of those people who say "do what you love and you will never work a day in your life" i hate those people.  if they only had a clue what it was like to be stuck in my head, they would know that doing what i love isn't an option.....finding something i could tolerate is the best that i can ask for, but I can put on my mask and make you think that i love it.