path to healing

went and saw my therapist yesterday, she was concerned after my last visit.  she thought the session was hard and I told her it was exactly what I needed.  I felt as though I had emotional diarrhea and was able to unload the burden onto her that I had been carrying for the past week. 

we did talk about my mother and I told her that I had felt as if I had been more grateful then she wouldn't have left me.  my therapist was very troubled by that, I am sure that it was the programming I had by butch that "I was selfish, the world did not revolve around me and I needed to pull my head out". 

we did figure out that the narcissist was butch. 

of course i couldn't talk about the narcissist without telling the tale of how i met the nicest guy and totally broke his heart.  I am so grateful though, I needed to feel something other than the gut wrenching hurt that i felt at that time.  it was so nice to have someone look at me with such caring and love.  i wish that we would have met at a different time, when my head and heart were in a different place.  i told her that i had found him last year, but i didn't think things would work out.  she asked why, i gave a lot of excuses.  i mostly feared that it was just a sexual itch that i wanted scratched and you cant base a lifetime on that. 

i was at taco bell the other day and there was a couple that were getting ready to order, they had some kids with them.  there was a moment where the man looked at the woman and touched her face.  i thought how nice it was that after all of these years and these kids that there was still such tenderness in the their life.  then she stepped up and ordered for her kids.  i realized that they were dating and hadn't been together for the last decade.  it made me wonder if passion like that can be everlasting or is that the storybook ending that women want to believe. 


I had read to my therapist the text that my bff had sent me that stated "sad things are just sad things and that you gotta radically accept things".  my therapist told me that in dynamic therapy that there is  how you wish things would have been and then there is the reality of how things were, the distance between the two is the depth of your suffering.  you never have to let go of the wish, because I deserved a better childhood and should not have been brought into this world by two broken people.  when you radically accept the reality then you start to heal.  my issue is that I will continue to go back to a problem until I feel as if I have been heard.  butch will NEVER acknowledge his selfish behavior and the hurt that it caused me so I will have to find my healing via another path.