PTSD

"you have abandoned your children on many different levels to satisfy your own personal needs" iyanla vanzant

tonight my husband asked me if my parents ever watched the lawrence welk show when i was growing up, then he asked if they watched the national geographic show.  I honestly don't remember my parents watching much tv.  He then asked me what my parents did for fun......i asked him if he has ever met my parents, he said "one of them". 

I don't remember living in the beach house.  I remember living in the house on milton, my mother would turn on sesame street for me.  This is probably the one time i really remember feeling bonded with my mother.  She moved us to Oklahoma for Butch and was not happy with the situation, but i do respect the fact that she did get an education to get herself out of unhappy marriage.  I cannot recall very many happy times in that marriage, a lot of tension in the air that you could literally cut with a knife.  Maybe this is the post traumatic stress disorder that my doctor thinks that i suffer from.  I didn't feel like i was the cause of the stress, but it did affect me, i always felt like a burden, and it really made me feel like i wanted to become invisible.  I felt the tremendous weight of my families severe unhappiness and i wanted so badly to fix it.  Which is why i take on the unrealistic responsibility to make my mate happy and to not become a burden to them. 

perfect example, by the time we arrived home Wednesday night i was a stress case, my head was pounding and i needed a xanax.  i had worked myself into such a frenzy thinking my husband was irritated at me, that i had done something wrong, and then i think someone was snoring behind me and that was like an annoying ticking clock (either that or darth vader was sitting behind me).