Thursday, January 19, 2012

the child

I cant recall much of anything from my childhood until about age 4 and some of that seems like a dream, so it is difficult defining reality and imagination.  I often wonder if there are things that i have been blocking that causes my anxiety, depression, inability to focus, and irrational thoughts.  I always thought my ability to go from one extreme to another was because i was a Libra. 

Yesterday i watched 2 episodes of hoarders and then began to panic that i might be a hoarder because there were 3 pieces of unopened mail on the kitchen counter.  Fortunately, i have ADD and i can quickly find another bizarre thought to focus my anxiety on. 

No one ever tells someone to act like a child.  I think that my mother and adoptive father thought i wanted to be a boy when i was growing up.  I remember them always asking me who i wanted to be and i would say "me".  I am not sure what else i was suppose to answer.  I was a tomboy, so i imagine this question was relevant.  Without having much of my mother in my life, i did figure it out, finally. 

I don't really remember enjoying my childhood, except for the few memories i have of living in California.  When we all moved to Oklahoma, i just remember lots of tension.  Maybe i tried to grow up fast so that i could be included.  I would be sitting in the back seat of the car and my mother and adoptive father would be having a conversation and i would so want to be a part of their world, but i just couldn't keep up. 

I have to remind myself that i was the child. 

1 comment:

  1. I'm really upset with myself that I never saw you were hurting. When you all moved from Calif. Jamie and Julie's dad had just left us. I was so wrapped up in my own pain at the time. As you grew up I just saw this extremely independent little girl who always appeared to be happy on the outside. I guess I never really got to know you. Since you've been an adult I just thought how lucky you are not to have a genetic link to all the mental health issues of my family. I'm so sorry that I didn't spend more time with you. I am so sorry you are having to work through so much now. I was so lucky to have my dad in my life. He is the person who taught me to laugh at myself and not to take life too seriously. It was the best lesson I could have ever learned.

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