the divorce

I dont remember the exact day that my mother moved out, I dont remember any goodbyes, I dont remember any missing furniture, or huge fights.  She was just gone one day and that is when the anger was replaced with sadness.  I know they must have asked me who i would rather live with, but i dont remember the conversation.  I was about 9, I think.  I remember my adoptive father hanging up the phone after speaking with her and just sitting on the floor crying.  This is where my codependcy comes from, always trying to fix things, and feeling a huge amount of responsibility for situations (most of which are beyond my control). 

Years later, my mother and I had a long conversation about these events and she is still blown away by the fact that he was so upset.  She says, they had planned for the day that she would leave and the day came, she left, and it was a big surprise for my adoptive father.  I would live with my adoptive father until I married at 25.  I was pretty much left to raise myself, he was still MIA with baseball, school, and women.  I had more women drug in and out of my life then i care to remember.  I was always trying to cling onto them in desperate need of a mother in my life.  Most of all, I was responsible for the mood swings of depression and anger that ruled his life.  He spent decades being angry at mother for leaving, for finding a good man, and for trying to live a good life.  I learned that the anger will eat you alive, the anger he had for her did not stop her life from going forward, just his.  I can remember being on the receiving end of that anger many times, being told to "pull my head out and plug it in" and that "i was getting too big for my britches".  This is where i learned to cultivate my fear of the other shoe and the looming dread of it dropping.

Sometimes i wonder if my anxiety, depression, and inability to focus is nature or nurture or both.