the deal

I wouldn't consider myself a pessimist, my dad says that he is a realist.  I used to always expect the worst so that if something else happened i would be pleasantly surprised.  I think some of the most detrimental things that happened to me were things that i didn't expect, so i wasn't prepared for them.  It is so tiring trying to prepare for every bad thing that you think may or may not ever happen. 

My mother asked me years ago (after watching an episode of oprah) if i was scared by the divorce.  I told her that it taught me to be more thankful.  When we first moved to Warner America, all i had to do was open the door and walked 20 feet to the bus stop, we soon moved and i had to walk an 1/8th of a mile.  My mother would get up in the morning and make sure that i had something for breakfast, the divorce happened and i don't think anyone ever noticed if i ate breakfast.  For years i felt if i had been more appreciative then maybe that wouldn't have gone away.  The divorce happened, i stayed, she left and my adoptive father told her that she was the worst mother ever and she believed him.  She always kept me at arms length.  I used to take whatever crumbs of a relationship she was offering.  If i called and she didn't want to talk, i took it as a personal rejection. 

Here is the deal, my mother has cancer.  She has been radiated, cut on, and cut out so much that she is a shell of the person she should be.  She has had part of her lung removed, some of her brain taken out and she continues to smoke.  As my father says that the damage is already done.  I feel as though the only good that has come out of it is that i quit smoking (my dad says i am less fun).  I have gotten to a point in my life that i think i have come to terms with the fact that we wont ever have a relationship and i am okay with that.  She may die and i may regret that, but i have finally stopped crying over it.  I wont ever understand it, but i think i am at a place that i can accept it.  I do know one thing, that i cannot be codependent upon her moods and i cannot place my value of myself upon how she receives me or doesn't.  The issue now is that it is killing my dad, she is mean, and hard to deal with.  Fortunately, he hasn't always seen her that way.  Unfortunately, i have.