the loss of innocence

I don't think my adoptive father had a clue how to raise children, even though he had two from his previous marriage, not to mention a daughter. I don't remember there being many boundaries in our household. Regrettably, i did not have the knowledge to know that this was abnormal, intrusive, and damaging. It was not unusual for me to see my adoptive father naked. It was a common thing to have a conversation with him while he was sitting on the toilet taking care of business. In his very rude and crude way, we had a discussion of the birds and bees and i found out what a blow job was.

He always told me that my mother loved conditional and i assumed this was a very bad thing. I spent my life loving people even when they did horrible things to me, because i did not want to be like my mother and love conditionally. One time he told me that i must make sure that i pleased my man sexually, this was a very important part of a relationship. Playboy magazines, porn movies, and sexually explicit books were always in the house and never hidden.

Amazingly enough i did not become sexually active at a very young age, even though once a boy a few years older than me did convince me to show him my private area because "he had never seen one without hair"....really? I once had a baby sitter who had me take off my pants and we "scissored". I asked later in front of someone else if we were going to do (whatever i assumed it was at the time) in front of someone else and she was very uncomfortable and acted like i was telling some kind of story. I think only then did i realize that it was bad. Thankfully, i don't think i ever stayed at their house again, but i did see her years later when i was in college and she had the nerve to remember me. I think my childhood stunk, wonder what hers was like?