After my divorce, i felt like such a failure. I was physically and emotionally beat down, this is when i started throwing myself into work and found my escape. I became an office manager, key carrier, and then an assistant manager. I worked 10-16 hour days and finally found the approval that i so desperately needed. I could lose myself in this world. It was a constant challenge that i struggled with at times, but got high off the success at other times.
After i had graduated high school and was working at the service desk at a discount store, i overheard a lady that had been a teacher at my school telling another customer that she had a new job. When i asked her where, she looked down her nose at me and said with disgust "not here". Obviously, she didnt recognize me and i suppose that was my punishment for eavesdropping. I didnt say a word to her and i internalized that shame for years.
I was always reaching for the golden ring. When i was an assistant manager, i would tell people that i was a "hardlines manager". I changed companies and then told people I was a "merchandising manager" or "operations manager". I was so wrapped up into the title, even when i was promoted to STORE MANAGER. It didnt take long to realize that title only meant people wanted to really suck the life out of you.
Life is funny. I spent my whole life waiting for my mother to tell me she was proud of me, when i stopped expecting it, i got it. I still carry the card that she sent with the roses that read "We are proud of you. Love, Mom and Dad".
About 5 years ago i stopped telling people what i do, if you ask i will tell you where i work.....and leave off the fancy title that made me feel so important for so long.
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