the dare

After 5 days of purging all of these memories and feelings from my system, i had felt a bit lighter today.  I hope my doctor isn't right and that i am bipolar, but then there is a part of me that wants a label to put on my emotional roller coaster and maybe it wasn't nature and nurture that caused me to be this messed up.

I became an overachiever about the time that my first marriage started to fall apart.  I married a guy who was physically and emotional abusive.  He started becoming emotionally abusive when we were moving into our first apartment about 3 months before we were to be married.  I don't remember what it was about, just that i was blown away when he went off on me.  This was the beginning of the roller coaster that became my marriage.  It became this really sick game of me trying to control when and where the outbursts would happen.  I could feel the tension building and would try to push him over the edge to get the argument over (in private) so we could get to the honeymoon phase. 

One day i we were both off of work and I had a dentist appointment, he decided to not go with me and he wasn't home when i came back from my appointment.  My adoptive father would come over twice a week before his night class and have dinner, which he did that evening.  Dick came home and i could tell he was drunk and wanting to fight.  I tried to just stay out of his way.  He was asking me if we were going to have sex.  I told him no.  He said that i was "his wife and it was my duty".  At one point he had me on the floor and he ripped my bra off me.  My memory is sketchy after this but he had me in the bedroom and was telling me to call the cops.  I went into the kitchen to call his friend, but he didn't answer.  Dick finally came into the kitchen and tried to rip the phone out of the wall and told me that if i was going to call the cops that he would need bail money.  I told him that i didn't have any cash and would have to go to the ATM.  He said that he didn't believe that is where i was going, so i told him to follow me.  So he did.  This was before everyone had a cell phone attached to them 24/7, but i had a bag phone.  I got into the car and immediately started calling friends.  My best friend was at home and told me to go to the pizza place his friend worked (luckily enough it was right next to the ATM) and she would meet me there.  I pulled up with Dick right on my tail, jumped out of my car, left the door wide open, and ran up to the restaurant.  Jeremy came out and tried to talk to Dick, but he just drove off.  I really expected him to ram my car into the restaurant.  He had a wild look in his eyes as he drove off. 

My best friend and I went driving around and Dick kept calling me, being abusive.   He kept "daring" me to call the cops.  One of the girls i went to high school with was married to a police officer and we went to her house.  I lived in the county and so we had to call the sheriff's dept.  This was like a high school reunion, because Debra and I had gone to high school with the guy who showed up.  When we arrived at the house, he asked if Dick had a weapon.  I am not sure what i told him, but Dick was in bed and told me later that he did have a gun.  That night could have turned out a lot different.