a real man

Every night, i sit at my laptop and let my thoughts take me where they may.  I am hoping to get through all of the depressing stuff and be able to blog about happier subjects.....lets see what today brings. 

There have been so many times in my life that situations seemed so surreal.  After the night of the dare, my husband and I went to counseling.   We were finally able to unite and decide that our counselor was an idiot (this would not be my last encounter with this counselor).  One day while waiting for our counseling appointment, Dick decides that he wants to move and go to school at OSU.   WARNING, WILL ROBISON, WARNING. I knew this was a classic move of an abuser to get their victim away from their support system.  I was very cautious, but he was so determined that the ball was rolling immediately.  Dicks parents took what was left of his college money and bought a trailer for him and paid his tuition and he secured a job at the college.  We moved his stuff and i moved in with my parents, continued with my semester of school, and looked for a job in Stillwater when i wasn't working or going to school.  It should have been a sign when i didn't find a job.  Of course, it was killing him that i wasn't under his direct control and the mood swings were outrageous.  He would call me with diarrhea of the mouth, this was my name for the emotionally abusive tyrants he would have.   He would hang up on me and then call right back with more of the same.  Once, my mother finally picked up the phone and told him not to call back.  It wouldn't be long before he would call and swear that he was sorry and it would NEVER happen again, we would start the cycle all over again.  I am sure that i thought i deserved this treatment.  Besides, i didn't want to "love conditionally" as my adoptive father always said and i wouldn't ever want to be "selfish" and look out for my own well being. 

I had told Dick about the last boyfriend that i had and how we had sex the last night we were together.  Every time Dick and I would talk about splitting up, he would bring up the goodbye sex and that since i did it for my ex that i HAD to do it for him.   I had fully embraced being the victim at this point, we had sex, i cried the entire time.  I got dressed and left for home.  We went to another counselor.  I was in denial of the severity of this situation.  I was there to get my husband better and that was all i wanted to talk about.  I can still see the look of horror on their face as I was oblivious to any damage that i may have sustained during this abusive relationship.  Therapy didn't last long.  One day Dick called me and told me that he "was a real man and didn't need help to solve his problems".  DANGER, WILL ROBISON, DANGER!!!