happiness

I asked my best friend if she felt different when she got married, she replied "yes, i felt trapped".

When i registered for my first marriage, i had picked out a comforter set.  My adoptive father took me to the department store to get it.  A different comforter set had caught my attention immediately, but i got the one that i had registered for.  Why, because i had wanted it for so long.  It was just like my upcoming marriage. 

I have always been a serial relationshipist.  I cant think of many times that i didnt have a boyfriend/fiancee.  I needed a boyfriend/fiancee to make me feel special.   My first love had cheated on me very publicly at a football game in highschool.  I had told myself that she couldnt be as special as i was.  Until one day, i was sitting in the hallway with my friends.  I saw him and her, the way that he was holding her hands and looking at her.  I thought, he used to look at me that way.  I then knew that i wasnt special. 

I was engaged once to a guy who treated me badly (yes i realize this doesnt narrow it down), but he had bought me a 1 carat engagement ring.  I would be feeling bad about myself and i would look down at that ring to remind myself that i MUST be special to have such a great ring.  The problem with using things, people, or a job to define yourself is that things, people, and jobs go away.  I have always depended on these things, people, or jobs to make me happy.