the definition of insantiy

.......is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results

an abusive relationship is an oxymoron, the yin and yang, sweet and sour

When i was writing yesterdays blog, even i became bored with it and thought really????  A woman will go back seven times before she finally leaves an abusive relationship.  Dick never told me he would kill me, but you know that one day he will.  He would become so angry that he would just ball his hands into fists so tightly that the blood would drain from his hands and his entire body would tense up and he would just shake. He became possessed.  The verbal episodes would always start with "you know what".  It took me years to not cringe when someone would say that phrase. 

For every person shaking their head with disbelief as to how women become brainwashed into these relationships, let me try to explain.   I have always had a low self esteem.  I have always been in a relationship of one sort or the other. I am an addict and use other peoples opinions to validate my self worth.  Abusive men pick their prey carefully, and it is all about the timing.  It happens slowly and the trick is to make the women believe that they caused the situation, they "made" him do it.  If a man walked up to a woman on their first date and gave them a black eye, there is no way that woman would ever see him again.  If a man told a woman on their first date, that she was worthless, couldnt do anything right, stupid, and that sex was her "duty"; there would be no second date. 

Dick told me he loved me and I so wanted to believe it.  I had no healthy relationship to compare this to and at first the relationship felt good.  I was so starved for someone to love me that i was willing to take whatever came along.  This is also my second weakness, family, Dick had a tight knit family.  There was no outward appearance of dysfunction.  This is when i learned that all families are dysfunctional, just depends on how much they hide their dysfunction.  Dick's mom and dad were high school sweethearts, both college educated, and planned their family.  They went to church every sunday, the entire family lived in the same small town.....blah, blah, blah.  I desperately wanted to belong to the type of family that i didnt have growing up. 

Being in an abusive relationship is akin to dating the bad boy.  If they would change for you, then you would be special, but when they dont (because they never will) then it just solidifies your opinion of yourself that you arent special, worth changing for, and reinforces your low self esteem.   The drama makes you feel special, he is mean to me, look I AM the victim, pay attention to me, feel sorry for me.  This is self induced victimiazation and people tire of it quickly.  I always had this need for a judge and jury, i wanted someone (everyone) to tell me i was right and he was bad and wrong.  I needed someone to tell me that i didnt deserve what happened to me (not just this situation, my whole life).  There was part of me that never wanted to try for anything any better, because i just didnt think that i deserved it.

Inside every woman who is or has been in an abusive relationship is a little girl needs someone to tell her that she is special, worthly of healthy love without any strings, and deserved to be cherished.