changing dialogue

today went well, she didnt tell me anything that i didnt already know.  knowing, acknowledging, and internalizing though are very different things.

i keep expecting to get things that i need from other people, when i need to figure out how to supply the things that i need to myself. 

i desperately want someone to catch me when i fall (as if i would every allow myself in a position for that to happen) when i need to realize that i am strong enough to pick up myself

jon told me that "it was a beautiful dream that we could save each other, but deep down we both know we have to be able to save ourselves before we would be any good to each other".  i have been that woman waiting for some man to ride up on a white horse and rescue me.  not to put me away in a castle where i wouldnt have to work anymore.  a man to fulfill all of my emotional needs, to fill that hole that didnt get filled when i was a child.  i used to tell the mean drunk that he needed to be an emotionally safe place for me to be, but he didnt have it to give. 

i have spent my lifetime expecting men to save me and picking men (who were like butch) that couldnt possibly fill that role. 

i have used the excuse that if i left one relationship i would only go out and find another dysfunctional one to be a part of, joking that my love life has always been a train wreck. 

i have to stop trying to prove to the world that i am good enough and just accept myself as being good enough. 

i still feel like that nine year old child of divorce living with a womanizing man in a small town that everyone looked at with such pity in their eyes.  never feeling important enough, i couldnt depend on butch to be there for me.  i would want to cry when he would forget to pick me up from places and when i would mention the hurt, he would tell me that it was BS.  i picked men that treated me the same way. 

i have to stop looking for this emotional validation from men, they arent my father, and they arent going to be able to mend my childhood.  they wont ever be able to fill this hole in my heart.  i am going to have to stop this negative self talk that i got from my parents, my exes, and everyone else in my life that made me feel less than and create a new dialogue.