freedom

I am in love....with my new psychiatrist. 

I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and mild depression.  I take 5mg of klonopin three times a day and I don't want to kill people anymore.  bonus, I actually sleep at night.  I was up at five am to get ready for my meeting and go pick up steve.  he didn't have to call me and wonder where I was, I was at his house at 6:17 and we were at the meeting before 6:30.  I cannot tell you the last time I was able to get out of bed without hitting the snooze for at least 30 minutes and then I would be exhausted, running around like I was crazy because I was late.  I feel like a functioning member of society.  is this how normal people feel? 

unfortunately for my people, I am very focused.....lots of to do lists.

my therapist asked me to be able to describe what I would feel like when our sessions are over, so that we will know that our work is done.  I liked that, it seemed very organized for me, unlike people who go to therapy for decades. 

I feel damaged and broken.  I suppose at the end of my therapy I would like to not feel damaged and broken.  I would like some self worth so that  I can stop killing myself being an overachiever to make up for my self deficiencies.  I would like to accept what I deserve not what people are willing to give me. 

we were talking about my childhood and how I always felt like a burden to my parents.  I also understand as an adult that they were just two damaged people with their own issues trying to make it in the world.  she said something about children being egocentric, wanting all the focus to be on them and I interjected with "that is the way that it should be" and she agreed.

I spent so much of my life with people who made me feel as if I did something for myself that I was being selfish.  I heard so many times from butch that "the world did not revolve around me".  it was so nice to hear my therapist say to me that the only way that she would do therapy with me weekly was if I promised to take care of myself, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  it was so nice to have someone tell me these things and I don't even have to feel guilty about it, it was like my get out of jail free card.