validation

Have your “eyes light up” when you see your child (Maya Angelou).

i don't know if i have ever known what this felt like and i know that if i did, it wasn't consistent.  i realized this today and it made me sad.  this is probably why i always felt like a burden. 

the interviewer said that she had never seen this as a child either.  she had sought her validation through speaking at church and then excelling at school, she was always the first to have her hand up to answer a question.  i wasn't a very good student when i was younger, i did just enough to get by.  i wish i would have applied myself more.  i did however receive my validation from exceeding at work, now i know why i worked as if i had something to prove. i did, to myself.  i was always harder on myself than anyone else could be, hardly ever giving myself an exceeds on self reviews.  i always felt as if i should have given more. 

i had a lady call yesterday and speak to robert, she wanted to know if i was still the manager, yes.  she said that she had a bad experience with me and wouldn't be back.  years ago, this would have bothered me to no end, but now i think, she must have been really crazy for me to stand my ground and not give in to her issues. 

there was a post going around facebook right after the boston marathon bombings and i totally agree.  i don't care who the bombers were, don't cover them on the news, just catch them and sentence them.  do not give them one second of media attention.  i don't care what their issue is, what they are mad about, or why they feel justified.  convict them, anyone who knew, and tell everyone else who doesn't want to be in America or like Americans they are free to go back to whatever country that they were refugees from.  obviously, the older brother was a psychopath.  how can you as a father, build a bomb, and set it next to an eight year old child.  KARMA, you were ran over by your brother in a car that you stole.  i know this isn't very godly, but i am not feeling very godly right now. 

i probably shouldn't tell any of this to my shrink tomorrow or i may get committed (ahh, a paid vacation with some good meds...hopefully).  i had a history teacher in high school who said that he would volunteer his time to go to the local penitentiary and press the button to electrocute the convicts....i think we have always had lethal injection, but anyway.